Actual letter of resignation from an employee at Zantex
Computers,
afterwards!
Dear Mr. Baker
As a graduate of an institution of higher education, I have
A few very basic expectations. Chief among these is that my direct
superiors have an intellect that ranges above that of the common ground squirrel.
After your consistent and annoying harassment of my coworkers and me
During the commission of our duties, I can only surmise that you are one of the
few true genetic wastes of our time.
Asking me, a network administrator, to explain every little
nuance of everything I do each time you happen to stroll into my office
is not only a waste of time, but also a waste of precious oxygen. I was
hired because I know how to network computer systems, and you were apparently
hired to provide amusement to myself and other employees, who watch you
vainly attempt to understand the concept of "cut and paste" for the
hundredth time.
You will never understand computers. Something as incredibly
simple as "binary" still gives you too many options. You will also never
understand why people hate you, but I am going to try and explain it to
you, even though I am sure this will be just as effective as telling you
what an IP is. Your shiny new iMac has more personality than you ever
will.
You walk around the building all day, shiftlessly looking
For fault in others. You have a sharp-dressed useless look about you that
May have worked for your interview, but now that you actually have
responsibility, you pawn it off on overworked staff, hoping their talent
will cover for your glaring ineptitude. In a world of managerial
evolution, you are the blue-green algae that everyone else eats and laughs at.
Managers like you are a sad proof of the Dilbert principle.
Since this situation is unlikely to change without you
Getting a full frontal lobotomy reversal, I am forced to tender my resignation;
however I have a few parting thoughts.
1.. When someone calls you in reference to employment, it is
illegal for you to give me a bad recommendation. The most you can say to
hurt me is "I prefer not to comment." I will have friends randomly call
you over the next couple of years to keep you honest, because I know you
would be unable to do it on your own.
2.. I have all the passwords to every account on the system,
and I know every password you have used for the last five years. If you
decide to get cute, I am going to publish your "favorites list", which I
conveniently saved when you made me "back up" your useless files. I do
believe that terms like "Lolita" are not usually viewed favorably by the
administration.
3.. When you borrowed the digital camera to "take pictures
Of your "Mother's birthday," you neglected to mention that you were going
To take pictures of yourself in the mirror nude. Then you forgot to erase
them, like the techno-moron you really are. Suffice it to say I have
never seen such odd acts with a sauce bottle, but I assure you that those have
been copied and kept in safe places pending the authoring of a glowing
letter of recommendation. (Try to use a spell check please; I hate
having to correct your mistakes.)
Thank you for your time, and I expect the letter of
recommendation on my desk by 8:00 am tomorrow. One word of this to
anybody and all of your little twisted repugnant obsessions will be open to the
public. Never f*** with your systems administrator. Why? Because they
know what you do with all that free time!
Wishing you a grand and glorious day.
Cecelia
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